Old Man Fred's first post

[Old Man Fred is jeffrey's bitingly mean and irreverent 300 year old alter-ego, and everything irritates him, watch out!]

First off, lemme thank the young punk named jeffrey fer lettin me write on this hear online jurnal thing, and fer settin me up with one of them there computer machines, he got me a fancy steam powered one, an it burns a heap O' coal.

I want you to know that I 'rowed up round 'Ora, Texas, wear folk hear abouts still have sense reckoned to be common, but I reckon its not so common everwear. I also want you to know that I could spit in yer eye as list'n to what you have to say, seein as I'm nigh on 300 hundred years young, and have 40 young-uns. So list to what I haf to say.

Theres a few things hear I wants to say, so I'm just say em and hope they come out alrite.

I watch the radio quite a bit, my favorite is Th' price is rite, but I also like to watch the Newspaper shows, like that whipper-snapper Lary King, but he don't know what hes talkin 'bout nohow.
But Ive done heard some talk bout some play things for young-uns, th' ones made in Cathay, or China, as I heard it called nowadays. There's talk that some of this Chicom junk has lead on it. Now first of all, I'm a thinking a heap of these new fangled play things make young-uns stupid, they don't do no good, or teach nothin worth larnin'. A figure of a man in garb like a spider? I just don't see no use for it. They also got all that garbage that 'sposed to learn young-uns thing like readin ritin, and cipherin. 'Pears to me that young-uns is gittin stupider and stupider, and thems play toys aint helpin none, theys just a hurtin, if you ask me.

My brothers and me.
I kilt the 2 on the left arm wrastlin.

When I was a young-un, bout 2 or 3, my pap gived me my first gun and knife, a 5 ft smoothbore musket-gun, and a 15 inch bowie knife. My brothers and me would git up on that hill yonder and play 'injun (when we wasn't blacksmithing rail road ties with our bare hands), I was alwaysed th' sheriff, and they was alwaysed the pesky redskins. We'd shoot one 'nuther with light loads of bout 120 grains of black powder, and stab at each other real gentle like, not cuttin too deep, If you take my meanin. I only kilt bout 8 of my brothers, but that wasn't nuthin nohow, seein as I had 60 more sibling to spare, so it was just a few less mouths to feed. But I'm goin on a varmit trail, so I'll say what I mean.
It makes me mad as a bear in cayote trap to think on the worthless pansies worryin and a-fussin over dab-blasted lead on them there molly coddle playthins', that don't do nothin but make boys into little girls, which a lot of stupid folks these days says OK. A boy actin like a girl, who ever heard of sich a thing. Its as wrong as all git out. And some of th' boys git older and take to courtin other boys. Why, if I'd a done sich a thing - and I never would of done it - the folks round my place would have strung me up the tallest pine in the woods, and I don't blame em, none!
Really all I got's to say about lead toys is keep the toys out of your young-uns mouths, you no-brained parents. Or even better, quit buyin those stupid playthins' and get johnny a knife and a dead cat, and susie a tea set and skip rope. And stop buyin from the dab-blasted Chinamen, They want to kill you nohow.

There aint nothin wrong with lead, CFC's, or asbestos, matter o' fact, we'd be better off If we replaced those brainless tree-huggers and PETA folk with aerosol cans full of CFC's.

'Bout the zoo known as Warshington, lemme but it this a-way, Will Rogers was nice to them idiots, compared to what I think of 'em. There all rats, all them conrgressers, and they literally make me sick, and my arthritis flares up when e'er I think on em. There all nothin but a bunch of empty suits, who should be held for treason, cept for that there congressmen an that makes em special, for some reason. They don't speak for me nohow.I heard a neighbor onced tell me he thinks we should send every govmnt person there to californy, and sink the whole God-forsaken state, an then elect us some real Men to speak fer us.

If ye wanna deal with them illegals, all you have to do is get a bunch of us refined mountainers lined up on th' border and tetch of them mexicans and terrorists as they dare to cross the line, an after a good while, ye've got a border wall. Simpl as that.

That's my Rulin', and don't worry - ye'll here from me agin, but it time fer me to git to town so I kin play dominoes with my War of Northern Aggresion pals.


-Fred